My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
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My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.