*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
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Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best