I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
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People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’