Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
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[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”