Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
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Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
My teenage children choosing violence
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no