Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
You Might Also Like
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Cat.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.