Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
You Might Also Like
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers