Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
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Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer had a very shiny nose. Other symptoms of his alcoholism included violent rampages and chronic nausea.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I bet birds love this building.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.