I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
You Might Also Like
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Geez man, take it easy.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”