Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
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Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it