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I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP