“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I’m not proud
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently