HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
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I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
scenes of unspeakable carnage
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*