7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
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Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years