Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
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Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
He took my last fry, your honor
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.