You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
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You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Good dog. ❤️
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
Whoa 😂
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?