Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
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DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
I ate everything, including the H.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
the rocks need my help
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.