angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
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Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
Vodka burrito was a success
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.