One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
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Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*