[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
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[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.