Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
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**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?