warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
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Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”