Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
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Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Mmmm. Shoeshi
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th