Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
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As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.