Eat…
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“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times