me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
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I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*