I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
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Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
I was just discussing this with my cat
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty