[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
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I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.