*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
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*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
wtf is an acronym
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Hello Twits.
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow