I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
You Might Also Like
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker