The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
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What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
*cheats at bowling by rolling into the pins*
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.