dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
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This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
technically true but not a great slogan
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Bring back the McRib
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday