A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
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This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes