Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
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My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
not to brag, but mine was free
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.