I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
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I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job