I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
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My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse