Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
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When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!