me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
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Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I hate everything
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.