me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
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Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Just got to our Airbnb!
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.