Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
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a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.