Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
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I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
Should I call tech support or pray or what
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.