me talking to family:
βΆπββββββββ 00:02me talking to friends:
βΆ πββββββββ 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix βPopplesβ series & live action Flintstones movies:
βΆ πββββββββ 1:54:28
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* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
Ainβt no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
there has never been a better use of this meme
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
I hope the aliens arenβt good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like youβve been doing something?
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so Iβm not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: βSo hereβs the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.β
Me, broke: βHow much for paper surgery?β
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
In Canada they just call them geese