Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
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Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Living the best life.. 😊
When you’re here for the treats.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Saturday
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon