“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
You Might Also Like
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.