this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
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Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Hello Twits.
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.