if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
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therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?