yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
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we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Oh deer
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
had to share :’)
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
My biological clock is wheezing.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
A tragic love story in two pictures.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.