Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
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Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick