Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
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a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.