Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
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“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Running from your problems is cardio .
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants